On Building Up, and Knocking Down
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I have been thinking recently about how others’ behavior can reflect onto you — both words and deeds. There are two truths my parents always shared, which have become a bit mantra-like in my life. From my father: “No one can take away what you know.” From my mother: “Your reputation follows you for your entire life.”
Side by side, they hold a contrast I hadn’t noticed before. What I know is mine to keep. My name, though, is held in other people’s hands.
That matters to me now more than ever. As the founder of Good Name Advisors, where, as readers of this dispatch know, I help people preserve their good name through philanthropy, I think a lot about reputation. But I hadn’t considered much how other people’s words and actions — both positive and negative — can shape someone else’s. You can either build someone up or knock someone down.
Jewish tradition takes this seriously. Pirkei Avot (The Ethics of Our Elders) teaches that the crown of a good name surpasses all other crowns, and Jewish teaching has a whole vocabulary for the harm that words can do. A name takes a lifetime to build and can be damaged in a sentence.
When we knock others down, through slander or action, what are our motivations? Is it to exact revenge? To vent our own frustrations? Often it’s a momentary lapse of judgment or loss of control — though there are, of course, those who are just interested in “stirring the pot.” We are all so tightly wound these days, with the pressures of the world weighing heavily on nearly everyone.
The alternative, of course, is to build up another’s reputation, confidence, and abilities. I am not suggesting we do this falsely, only reminding us that something good can be said about anyone. I really believe that. I am also a work in progress, like all of us, and I try to meet each challenge with grace and forgiveness. I believe kindness matters.
Amy Poehler has built a whole podcast segment around this idea. Before she interviews a guest on Good Hang, she calls a friend of theirs to “talk well behind their back” — getting advice on what to ask, but really just talking someone up before they’re even in the room. I love the phrase, because it flips the assumption that talking about someone in their absence is always a bad thing.
Giving is one of the most lasting ways to build someone up. A gift made in someone’s honor, a fund that carries a name, a story told about why a person mattered: these say “you were seen” long after the words fade.
That’s part of why I’ve focused a piece of my work on giving circles, and why I’ve developed what I call a Family Circle. It’s a way for a family to honor someone they love, whether to remember a life or celebrate a milestone like a special birthday. It has three parts. First, shared history: Family members trade stories and memories of the person. Second, learning together: They explore subjects the person cares about, thinking about what made their grandfather light up, for example, or why their mother believes a particular cause matters. Third, decisions: Together, they make a few grants in that person’s honor.
One premise of any giving circle is that not every gift will be one you’d make on your own, but each should be one you can stand behind. Families that practice that kind of listening and compromise build something beyond the grants. In honoring one person’s good name, they build up the family’s confidence in what they have to give, together.
If this sparks an idea for your own family, I’d love to talk.
And whatever your cause, giving your time, talent, and treasure is a way of saying that the world can be better and that the people in it are worth investing in. Being nice doesn’t make you a pushover — it greases the wheel that makes this world a better place, each and every day.
So I’ll leave you with a question: Whose good name could you build up this week? And might I be able to help?
Shabbat Shalom,
Kari
Me with my parents, around 1980
